Never share the stage with puppies, little kids or your defense
Caution: Satire ensues.
I grew up in New England, but lived on Long Island Sound, which means that I was a rabid Pats’ fan as long as the odds were right.
I tell you this so that you know that I know Tom Brady. I have both worshiped and cursed him with the same vigor, often during the same game.
There is no doubt that Tom is a GOAT candidate for sure. Tom doesn’t do television like say; Retired great, Peyton Manning does television i.e. spokesperson for anything that will hold still for 30 seconds. No, Tom does his “acting” on the nationally televised Monday Night and Thursday Night NFL stage.
My favorite prime-time show of Brady’s is his “Tomcat Show.” Every time the Pats play an obviously inferior team, Tom plays with his victims much like a cat does with a mouse. The cat doesn’t just go out and wipe out the mouse. No, it plays with the mouse, as opposed to against the mouse.
The cat let’s the mouse think it has a chance, then BAM, slaps the paw down. When all seems lost, the cat lets the mouse go, watching it scurry, now slightly beaten up, but with a sense of false bravery and even a flush of optimism, the mouse thinks: “I might have a chance after all! Of course, this is all part of life’s wonderful, crazy plan. Life is indeed beautiful and tries to teach us lessons in the most impressionable ways, forcing us beyond our limits, sending us soaring into the unknown. Wow this feels amazi…” BAM, down comes the paw again.
This “Tomcat Show” has helped Brady’s mystique and ascension to “St. Thomas of Gillette” as well as the NFL’s ratings. Let’s face it, the Patriots against a 2-6 team should be a sleeper, but the “Tomcat Show” keeps it interesting, which keeps the Nielsen’s up.
One such sleeper-turned-Tom-Show, night might have been week 8, the Thursday Night game with the Pats against the 2-6 Buffalo Bills. I say “might have been” because Tom set the stage perfectly, but on this night, moments before the start of the 4th quarter emotional climax, the Tomcat Show was preempted by Tom’s own defense! I remember it like a dream:
The Pats start the game by taking the ball down the field effortlessly and score with ease, like: “We could do this all night long.” In fact, there is a Lionel Ritchie soundtrack playing in Brady’s’ head.
Then the Pats do essentially nothing (or I might have fallen back asleep) until 1:33 left in the half when they go screaming down the field from their own 26, to the Bills’ 32, and promptly turn into the 49rs.
Skip to the 4th quarter, the score is 12-6, the perfect scenario for the “The Tomcat Show big climax.” Tom had even put his cat suit on under his uniform at halftime.
What happens next rocked Tom’s world. The defense goes all rogue on him and scores their first pick 6 in 40 games! What are the chances? They are 40 to 1 for those of you that are gambling impaired.
When it was time for the offense to come back on the field, Tom just went out and sat down all rejected. The ref comes over to help him up but Tom says “No, the Defense ruined everything.” The ref said something about this action potentially endangering his Actors Equity Card and that seemed to do the trick.
When he returned to the bench, Tom called his Agent to see if he had any legal recourse against his Defense for “deprivation of face-time on national television”. The agent said no, that Aaron Rodgers tried to sue his Defense for that and lost.
As Tom was walking off the field, after the win, I could hear him say “Stupid defense, half of them don’t even have agents.”
All in my head of course.